The Console Wars (PART IV) – Churning the Rumor Mill

In the lead up to the dog and pony show that is E3, we’ve been consistently reminded that neither Microsoft nor Sony will be unveiling their new console.  Nintendo’s gameplan seems to be “basically what we did last year, but less fuckups”, which in practice amounts to a similar redaction of useful information.

In lieu of supposedly indispensable facts about these faceless consoles knocking on our door, let’s focus on what’s important: rumors.  We’ve collected the most worthy below, arranged with half-hearted discrimination.

These are your new consoles.


-Epic Mickey will be a trilogy.

-Some Microsoft fanboys will claim that their Xbox doesn’t need a Blu-Ray drive or any new delivery medium and will long for the days of swapping a dozen discs to watch every Mass Effect 3 ending.

-Call of Duty fans actually hold their ridiculous protest.

-The Orbis will have an absurd headmount VR system



-Microsoft’s new console will require an internet connection to play games

-The Xbox720 will feature a next-gen red pentagon of death.

-Microsoft’s next console will have a Blu-Ray drive

-Orbis will launch before the Durango

-The Wii will feature a clip belt-clip-on LCD screen designed around social media

-Next gen video games will have an MSRP of $70

-Sony buys Linden Research and creates Second Life 2.  Taking advantage of all the useless plastic peripheral devices released over the years for Rock Band and the like, the game will use the Move’s camera to show how silly you look thwapping a plastic guitar and squinting at your TV.



-The Sega Neptune makes it long awaited release!  Sega Jupiter?  Some planet.  Somebody should let Miyamoto know that Pluto no longer qualifies.

-Shenmue II launches for said system.

-Stupid corporate pundits will stop making ludicrous predictions and needless comparisons to each other

-The Wii U controller and the 3DS will have integrated gameplay and games, based on their relatively similar designs.  This would be Nintendo’s coup de grace for all of us hoping to never buy a redundant Nintendo system.

-Sony will unveil and release a Super Smash Bros ripoff.

-Nintendo buys Atari and release their old classics for the Wii U controller.

-Capcom finishes the Breath of Fire story with a sequel.

Author: Wu

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