GUEST RANT – Call of Douchey: Modern Bro-Fare (Please Save us Half Life)

Grab your jockstrap, bro.

You’re delta force now (again). Or you’re a navy seal now (again). Read: Infinity Ward is putting the finishing touches on a new iteration of brotastic terrorist slaying bullshit for you. Dig deep into your sacred terminology.

This is your brain on Call of Duty.

“Yeah bro, those guns are real. Our troops really use that stuff.”

“I’ve had the Call of Duty 4 theme stuck in my head for years and I LOVE it!” “Yeah, I’ve played the campaign.”

“Gotta earn that HTML tag, that clan I made up for me and bros will be big one day.”

“My kill to death ratios are superb and that takes talent and determination.”

“I always play the campaign first. I have to get oriented before I jump into multiplayer. I’ve gotta get grease in these gears. This shit don’t run itself.”

“I played Counter -Strike once and it sucked. The graphics were freakin’ terrible.” “That was on the Sega Genesis or something, right? That’s freakin’ lame.”

“Don’t change it too much! I might not be as freakin’ awesome at it anymore and I’ve dropped hundreds on this franchise, and so I’ve earned the right to stay freakin’ awesome”


Remarkably, there is no exaggeration needed.

- at something incredibly stupid and boring and flat.  When you bought the new Call of Duty (I don’t care which one), when you bought Battlefield 3, you bought garbage. You were sold trash. Worse, you were sold recycled trash.

If my prayer goes unanswered this year, that’s all right. Just so long as it’s someday answered: Our fathers, who art at Valve, hallowed be thy names… deliver us from Call of Duty and Battlefield and redefine FPSs again with Half-Life 3. Please.


Conspicuously absent from E3 2012…

I won’t speculate on what the holdup is because I know what the holdup is: the developers are stuck in a constant mind blowing loop where developer X blows developer Y’s mind who, in turn, blows developer Z’s mind -on and on. There’s nothing they can do about that. They can’t help it. They’re working on the greatest first person shooter ever. That’s what’s happening and that’s phenomenal! Keep it up.

But, your devout followers need something. You gave us the Orange Box and asked us to play Half-Life 2 again. We giggled and agreed and loved every second of it. You tickled us with Portal and we giggled and loved every second of that, too. We know that Portal is part of the Half-Life universe now. We know that we’re going to get the portal gun in Half-Life 3. So, show us a really quick clip of Gordon platforming along, popping portals, solving problems and throwing circular saw blades or soda cans with the gravity gun. Just do it. You know that we’d watch that clip hundreds of times.

So, they’ll want dadvances that are as striking as the one’s made from HL1 to HL2. Better to recall these advances rather than speculate on our life in the world to come. Besides the breathtaking graphics updates (you’ll remember the play of light across the surface of water throughout the world), the physics puzzles (barrels full of air used to float cages, 2×4 levers, stone counter balances put in place with the gravity gun), truly terrifying chapters requiring highly creative and dynamic game play (running out of ammo in Ravenholm and then choking back tears and pissing yourself while you hurl flaming barrels at venom squirting spider monsters? Yeah, you did! You know you did.)

You forgot just how good it can be. Instead, you’ve been seduced into hours of wasted time on YouTube watching “incredible” feats:

It’s true: given an infinite amount of time, a squad of monkeys will inevitably recreate the works of Shakespeare.

It’s all going to change. Stand up straight, choke back your tears and smile. They’re working on it.  You’re not playing Call of Duty anymore. You’re done. It’s asking too much of your pride.  There’s a light at the end of the tunnel.

One final word from our friends at

Author: porteclefs

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