WE NEED NEVER BE ASHAMED?
Let’s admit it. The last year has been pretty rough for Nintendo. Between launching a next gen console with a name and design so similar to the previous generation that it has befuddled and eluded their target “casual” consumer, followed by an almost complete lack of quality third-party software support for the new console (and some serious delays in first-party titles), the company that used to practically print money 5 years ago, is now digging through dumpsters for day-old bagels.
But E3 2013 has been a stage for their reckoning. The Wonderful 101 developed by Platinum Games is silly, ridiculous, multi-player fun, which is just what Nintendo needed. And Pikmin 3 is finally releasing after 6 years of taunting. Perhaps they will recover from this pithy downturn.
But perhaps not.
This is where I come in. I have developed a profit-boosting strategy aimed at exciting Nintendo’s core base, while continuing to inspire and enlighten the casual gamer. A delectable dose of exactly what the bumbling underdog needs:
1.) More games making you the mayor of an animal village.
I think this goes without saying, but I love playing God. And having the power to lord over an entire town of agreeable animals just makes my damn day. Sure, Animal Crossing: New Leaf only released in English-speaking markets this month, but what happens after I’ve paid off my 19th mortgage to Nook the Crook? Maybe, what Nintendo fans need is more of what they love. Which brings me to my next suggestion…
2.) Pikmin 4 & 5
Fans have waited nine years since the release of Pikmin 2 for a third sequel. And now that it’s practically on our friggin’ doorstep, what’s holding Nintendo back from pumping out a couple more? Consumers have never figured out the whole “too much of a good thing” thing. Exploit this.
3.) Miaymoto collectible bobble-heads
The world’s most adorable genius needs to be commemorated. Consider a cross-promotion agreement with local cupcake trucks.
4.) Sexy Reggie 12-month wall calendar
For the ladies (and the sophisticated gentlemen), Reggie Fils-Aime takes it all off to warm up your holiday season.
5.) Mind-Controlled games for Wii U
Seriously. I think mind-controlled gaming is a huge step in an exciting, innovative direction. And I hope Nintendo can figure out the feasibility of large-scale game development based on brain waves before Sony or (ugh) Microsoft.
So that’s it. Nintendo, your fate is up to you.
At least consider snapping a few photos of Reggie’s Hot-N-Ready body.