PLEASE PLEASE ME
What you’re about to witness is an exercise par excellence in wishful thinking, an absurd series of thought experiments brought to their unreasonable conclusions. Sensible predictions for other industries – release date fidelity, coherent digital strategies, exciting new IP’s – look downright shameful when entertained for the video game industry. In a more caring, just world some of these predictions would come true…
Bayonetta 2 will feature Dante as an unlockable character. This is just obvious, come on guys.
Either Microsoft or Sony will announce pricing plans for their new consoles.
Cliff Bleszinski will make up his goddamn mind already about what he wants to do with his life, clamping down on the endless stream of rumors and conjectures. The former creator of the Gears of War series left Epic to pursue…we don’t know. Fly fishing? Either way it doesn’t matter.
The Last Guardian is announced as a PS3 exclusive, with an early December release date. Even for this article this is wildly farfetched, but let’s not forget that it began in 2007 with an initial release date in 2010. Is there a better possible bon voyage for the PS3?
The new Destiny is revealed: it’s a space themed FPS. Surprise!
Capcom announces a new DarkStalkers. Why not? They must get Street Fighter fatigue at some point, right? It’s been 16 years since the last true one and there’s a vocal community for it. How-bout it Capcom?
Hideo Kojima doesn’t talk about MGSV at all and instead spends the entire Konami press conference announcing a new cross platform Zone of the Enders. After forgetting to actually say the name of the game he’s talking about, this ends up being an hour of Hideo geeking out on stage while non-sensical theories fly across twitter. Can anyone think of a better game to show off the power of the next gen consoles?
Nintendo will announce games that involve multiple gamepads, hand in hand with news that individual gamepads can also be purchased for $100 a pop. They will further announce a shiny new and improved gamepad that will feature bunny ears instead of proper triggers, since cute trumps functionality for Nintendo. It will also have a camera on the back and sides, allowing gamers to register their friends’ boredom without taking their eyes off the screen. It will also double as a Nerf gun.
Valve will have a Steam Box on hand. I’d very much like to skip that thing across the pool of water at the Destiny booth and knock Joseph Staten unconscious. Really, it just seems so solid.
Every PS4 game will stream on the Vita. Take that Wii U!
Keifer Sutherland will finally be located in the San Gabriel foothills surrounding LA, having escaped his captors in an unnecessary attempt at method acting Solid Snake for the upcoming MGSV. He’ll be found in good spirits, despite suffering from scurvy and an attempted vision-quest high after eating what he thought was peyote. During the Konami press conference he’ll be hung from the ceiling, with Kojima giving him intermittent jabs while talking about Zone of the Enders, all without offering an explanation.
Sony announces a new Siphon Filter after 16 years on hiatus. Gabe Logan is voiced by Paul Walker.
Halo 5 is teased, showing Master Chief slumped against the concrete, change cup sliding out of his hand. 343 Industries reveals that he’s now homeless in New Mombasa. Having wiped out the covenant, he subsists on energy drinks and the kindness of others. The camera pulls back to reveal a video billboard for the new sequel to Forward Unto Dawn, the real announcement!